It started as a dare.
It was a fine spring day, and the children had been cooped up all winter. The
promise of new life and new things to look at beckoned them, and they swarmed
around their mother, begging to venture out beyond the city walls.
Sighing, she agreed. It would be good to get the little brats out from under
foot. “But yer not ter go UpTop, yer hear? They eats little goblinses up there.”
Nodding and solemnly promising to keep to the sewers, three little snotlings
headed out the door of their tiny shack. Even from the city streets, the odor
from the sewers beckoned to them with its promise of trash and excrement. They
were quickly joined by other young goblins, whose mums were equally happy to see
them disappear into the sewers. No doubt the snotlings would be gone for the
better part of the day, playing the games that children all over the world
enjoy: stickball, hide and go seek with fangs, and poo tag.
It was during a game of hide and go seek with fangs that it happened. Serumx was
it again, and the children knew it would be in their best interest to hide well.
Serumx was known for his razor-like teeth, and being found HURT. Being the
oldest (and therefore bossiest) of the three siblings, Zkust grabbed his younger
brother, Mux, by the shoulder and ran. Gert tried to follow, but her brothers
moved too fast. She was quickly left behind, and she could hear Serumx finishing
his count. “Sevin, twerlve, six, nine, leven, fixteen…” In a panic, Gert looked
around and spied a ladder leading up. Quicky, she scurried up the ladder,
scrambling into a dark little recess. From her vantage point, she could see
Zkust as he began looking for the other children. Until he had found the others,
she was determined to remain as silent and still as possible.
While Gert waited, she studied her surroundings. She sat on a little ledge,
hugging her legs close to avoid dangling anything bite-able within sight of the
others, and peered around. Looking up, she noticed a thin crescent of light in
the ceiling. Carefully, Gert reached up and ran her finger along the crescent. A
round cover of some sort had been set into the ceiling here, and the light shone
through the crack where the cover didn’t quite fit the opening. Tentatively,
Gert pulled her legs up underneath herself and slowly stood until the cover
rested squarely on her shoulders, her head bowed low, then pushed with all her
strength, her head, her shoulders and her hands. The cover shrieked as metal
ground against rock, and she stopped for a moment, looking down below to make
sure Serumx wasn’t waiting below, his fangs dripping in hunger. When she was
certain things were clear, she pushed once again, and the light spilled into her
little crevice. Popping her head up through the opening, she spied paradise.
Piled around the hold in the ground were piles of refuse left by the citizens of
Althainia. Half-eaten pies, decanters of spoiled milk, broken and rusty weapons…
there were treasures Gert’s young eyes and nostrils had never before beheld. She
stared in wonder at the pile after pile until the sharp sting of a pair of
poisonous fangs in her ankle brought her to her senses.
“Git down from ther. My mum sed they eats goblinses UpTop!” Serumx hissed at
her. Lowering herself back into the crevice, Gert stared at Serumx, perched on
the ladder, and the other snotlings down below. A few of them nodded in
agreement. “My mum sed that too!” “Yerp, they eats goblinses! Sumtimes only a
liddle piece each day!!”
Pouting, Gert followed Serumx down the ladder. As she reached the ground, Zkust
grabbed her by the tip of the ear (the most sensitive part), and twisted it
hard. “Mums gon beat yer good fer openin’ that!”
Glaring at her brother, her eyes tearing up from the pain, Gert spat at Zkust.
“Yer jist mad cuz yer too skeered ter go up there,” she jeered. “Mum dint tell
us there were treasure UpTop. She bin tryin to skeer us so we can’t have no
treasure.”
“Ain’t no treasure!” Zkust replied.
“Is too!”
“Ain’t!”
“Is!”
“Ain’t!”
“You jist go look. Unless…yer a skeerdysnot!” Gert smiled triumphantly at Zkust.
She knew he wouldn’t be able to let it go now. Being called a skeerdysnot was as
good as being a baby. His face grew a brilliant green as he realized he’d been
called out…by his little sister, of all people. He had no choice.
“Fine,” Zkust hissed, “I’ll go lerk and jist see them treasures. And when we git
home, Mum’s gonna beat yer good!” With that, he headed up the ladder, and
hoisted himself up through the open hole in the ceiling. All the goblin children
watched in wonder and horror as his scrawny green legs disappeared into the
sunlight above. They waited, then, for him to call out, or climb back down. They
waited, then, for him to yell at his little sister for lying, or bring back news
of treasure. They waited, then, for something… anything…
But what happened… was nothing.
Zkust didn’t come back. Slowly, the children wandered home, back to the safety
of Dolund’ir. None of them told their mothers what had happened. None of them
stopped by the little hut where Gert and her brothers lived, to give the news to
their mum. They just…went home.
Gert and Mux, though, crawled up into the crevice and waited. It was a tight
squeeze with both little snotlings cuddled up in the muck, but they both sat
without complaining, their arms wrapped around each other, watching the hole in
horror. Gert shivered in fear. She wasn’t sure which would be more dangerous –
going home and telling her mum what had happened, or looking for Zkust. So,
instead, she waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, she and Mux fell asleep,
waiting for their brother to return.
******
Gert had been right. Zkust dug through the contents of the junk piles, pulling
out all sorts of items for himself. He was amazed at the things he found, from
perfectly good chunks of rotting meat to battered pieces of armor. The hours
passed as he scavenged through the piles, busily trying things on, while
hungrily devouring the savory bits of food he found. Had anyone visited the city
dump at the time, they might have been greeted by a tiny green warrior, decked
out in a mish-mash of dented and rusted armor, brandishing a broken sword and
covered in swill. Few people, though, visit the city dump, so Zkust was left to
his own devices for the day. He forgot about Gert and Mux, and the other
snotlings of Dolund’ir as he paraded around the dump. He was a great general,
inspecting his troups. He was the great goblin hero, General Gew Duckbutt,
readying his forces for their raid on Althainia! All hail the conquering hero!
“You don’t look half stupid.”
Zkust turned suddenly, to see who dared interrupt General Gew on the eve of his
great victory. Standing nearby was a human boy, his nose wrinkling at the smell
rising up from Zkust.
“Wert?” Zkust had never seen a human, much less heard one speak.
“I said, you don’t look half stupid. Meaning…” the boy looked Zkust over, his
expression belying his contempt for the scrawny green goblin standing before
him, “that really, you look completely stupid. And you smell.”
“Is goblin smell! Is good smell!”
The boy wrinkled up his nose at Zkust. “I think you smell like my grandmum’s
piss pot. I don’t think you’re a goblin. I think you’re a skunk.”
“Yer be takin’ that back!” Zkust retorted, baring his fangs. “Take it back er
I’ll show yer wert a goblin is!” Zkust was used to bullying his little brother
and sister around, so it surprised him to no end when the human child laughed
instead of cowering. Angered by the laughter, the goblin lunged at the other
boy, sinking his fangs into the child’s shoulder. He sighed with satisfaction as
his spit began bubbling in the wound. His mum had always told him his spit was
his best feature.
The boy screamed, high and shrill – “like Gert!” Zkust thought to himself – and
pulled away from the sharp fangs. His skin ripped in Zkust’s jaws, and the
goblin boy had his first taste of human flesh. While he was savoring the taste,
the other boy took off running, screaming, “Goblin! Mama! Help!! Goblin!” Zkust
watched him run. All hail the conquering hero, the great General Zkust.
Satiated and tired, Zkust headed back to the hole in the ground. Mum would
probably beat him for being gone so long, but it was worth it. He’d faced his
first human today, and hadn’t been eaten. UpTop wasn’t so scary after all…
And then the hands grabbed him. It felt like hundreds of hands, all pulling at
him, lifting him in the air. His feet dangled above the hole, as the Althainian
guards hollered at him, dragging him away from his home. He shrieked – “like
Gert…” – he thought to himself, but he couldn’t stop shrieking. These humans
were huge, not his size like the boy had been. Zkust snapped at the guards,
trying to sink his fangs into their arms, hands, anything, but their armor was
tough, and he was being held tight. Before he knew it, he had been tossed into a
dark little prison cell. As they threw him into the cell, one of the guards
informed him that he would be paying dearly for his crime.
“Whut?” Zkust blinked. What crime? He hadn’t bitten that boy any harder than
Serumx would have in a game of hide and seek with fangs. The poison would wear
off quickly – it always did. A little sting…that’s all.
“Poison. You killed a boy. I doubt you’ll see the light of day, greenskin.”
Zkust sat there, stunned. Humans were that weak? One little bite? “It were jist
a little bite…” he began, but the door slammed shut.
“Tell it to the judge, greenskin!” He could hear their laughter as it faded down
the hallway. He shivered in fear, wondering if they were going to kill him.
Would they kill him fast? Would they eat him a little bit at a time, like in the
stories?
******
It was a fine spring day, and the children had been cooped up all winter. The
promise of new life and new things to look at beckoned them, and they swarmed
around their mother, begging to venture out beyond the city walls.
Sighing, she agreed. It would be good to get the little brats out from under
foot. “But yer not ter go UpTop, yer hear? They eats little goblinses up there.”
“Is that true, Mum? How yer knows it?”
Gert looked sadly at her youngest. “Cuz they et my brother. We watched an waited
fer days fer him when he went UpTop. Didn’t know whut happen ter him, until one
day…his head come rollin down one of ther trash heaps. They musta et the rest.”
And so, my readers, let this be a lesson to you. Just because someone dares you,
or calls you a scaredysnot, DON’T GO UPTOP. They eatses little goblins there.